DCMontreal Commentary, DCMontreal Light, Humor, News, Pope, Wordpress

PETA and Pope Francis’ Peace Doves

Yesterday Pope Francis had a bad day. While addressing the Sunday crowd in St. Peter’s Square he had a young man and woman release two doves as symbols of peace.  Unfortunately these birds were soon flying for their lives in an attempt to elude larger birds who evidently dine on doves. There was nothing peaceful about the scene. One can only pray that the Holy Father’s security contingent does more research than those who plan his Sunday events. I certainly hope the poor papal pigeons made it to safety, but I was wondering what the folks at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) might have to say about the incident.

Please keep in mind that the Memo below is a work of fiction!

 

The above is a work of pure fiction

The above is a work of pure fiction

MeDCMontreal is a Montreal writer born and raised who likes to establish balance and juxtapositions; a bit of this and a bit of that, a dash of Yin and a soupçon of Yang, some Peaks and Freans and maybe a bit of a sting in the tail! Please follow DC on Twitter @DCMontreal and on Facebook, and add him on Google+
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History, Humor, News, Pope, Weekly Writing Challenge, Wordpress

Pope Francis fast-tracks saints

PopeJohnXXIII

This week the Weekly Writing Challenge calls for humor. Having already commented on the rumor of a Papal recall, I thought I’d take on the latest news from the Vatican!

Now just a gosh darn moment. According to the New York Times, Pope Francis “has sped two of his predecessors toward sainthood”.  Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII have been fast-tracked for sainthood. Why? Because Francis liked them. Geez Louise, so much for being a man of the common folk. I wonder how Francis would have felt if someone cut in line at his old newspaper kiosk in Buenos Aries? I imagine he would have mentioned it to the paper vendor who might have explained that the person jumped the line because he liked him. I can’t see Francis standing still for that!

I have always thought the pope who followed Pope John Paul should have been called Pope George Ringo

And John XXIII doesn’t even have a second miracle attributed to him. Come on, what kind of saints can we expect from Francis? Cheaters who butt into line without the proper credentials? I can hear it now: Pray to old One-Miracle Johnny? Not a chance.

If nothing else, Pope Francis has shown again that he is his own man

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said Francis was eager to canonize John XXIII. “Despite the absence of a second miracle it was the pope’s will that the sainthood of the great pope of the Second Vatican Council be recognized.”

Pope Francis thinks rules were made to be broken. I, for one hope he’s just as understanding when it comes to Commandments!

PopeJohnPaulIII have to admit one miracle would convince me; you cure one person and you’ve proven to this agent you’re not your average Joe, Pius or John Paul. (I have always though the pope who followed Pope John Paul should have been called Pope George Ringo.) But there are rules and regulations to this sainthood business and clearly Pope Francis thinks rules were made to be broken. I, for one hope he’s just as understanding when it comes to Commandments!

I can hear it now: Pray to old One-Miracle Johnny? Not a chance

If nothing else, Pope Francis has shown again that he is his own man. It is refreshing to see a pontiff who is laying down new tracks rather than riding the old. But I am concerned about a rumor he’s been scanning the roster of the New Orleans NFL team …

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History, Humor, News, Pope, Wordpress

Pope Francis fast-tracks saints

PopeJohnXXIIINow just a gosh darn moment. According to the New York Times, Pope Francis “has sped two of his predecessors toward sainthood”.  Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII have been fast-tracked for sainthood. Why? Because Francis liked them. Geez Louise, so much for being a man of the common folk. I wonder how Francis would have felt if someone cut in line at his old newspaper kiosk in Buenos Aries? I imagine he would have mentioned it to the paper vendor who might have explained that the person jumped the line because he liked him. I can’t see Francis standing still for that!

I have always thought the pope who followed Pope John Paul should have been called Pope George Ringo

And John XXIII doesn’t even have a second miracle attributed to him. Come on, what kind of saints can we expect from Francis? Cheaters who butt into line without the proper credentials? I can hear it now: Pray to old One-Miracle Johnny? Not a chance.

If nothing else, Pope Francis has shown again that he is his own man

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said Francis was eager to canonize John XXIII. “Despite the absence of a second miracle it was the pope’s will that the sainthood of the great pope of the Second Vatican Council be recognized.”

Pope Francis thinks rules were made to be broken. I, for one hope he’s just as understanding when it comes to Commandments!

PopeJohnPaulIII have to admit one miracle would convince me; you cure one person and you’ve proven to this agent you’re not your average Joe, Pius or John Paul. (I have always though the pope who followed Pope John Paul should have been called Pope George Ringo.) But there are rules and regulations to this sainthood business and clearly Pope Francis thinks rules were made to be broken. I, for one hope he’s just as understanding when it comes to Commandments!

I can hear it now: Pray to old One-Miracle Johnny? Not a chance

If nothing else, Pope Francis has shown again that he is his own man. It is refreshing to see a pontiff who is laying down new tracks rather than riding the old. But I am concerned about a rumor he’s been scanning the roster of the New Orleans NFL team …

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Humor, Pope

Pope Benedict Emeritus returns to Vatican; he and Francis divvy-up household chores

Slide

Slide

After taking it easy for a few weeks while his successor was elected and got a feel for things, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI returned to his old stomping grounds at the Vatican. Of course he won’t be living in the Papal apartment, even if it is unoccupied and, one assumes, for rent given Pope Francis’ humble desires.  Rather he’ll be living in a converted monastery on the Vatican grounds. Think of it as a large granny-shack. By all accounts Benedict is looking frail, noticeably more so than when he was last seen on March 23rd.

“You had your chance, now it’s my turn”

The two men, who have stated they don’t want to be referred to as roomies, and are not sure yet if The Odd Couple is appropriate, met to discuss ground rules for their co-habitation. Francis has made it clear he doesn’t want Benedict second-guessing his every move and decision, stating,  “You had your chance, now it’s my turn”. For his part Benedict wondered aloud whether a Pope should be wearing a gold-plated ring instead of the real deal and riding in a Volkswagen.

Think of it as a large granny-shack

Airing Carpets

Pope Francis prepares to air carpets

Pope Francis continues to show his humility by not residing in the Papal apartment, and foregoing many of the traditional trappings of the Papacy. In fact it has been reported that during the conversation with Benedict, while household chores were being divvied-up, Francis insisted he will continue to air and pound the Papal carpets every two weeks by hanging them over the balcony and walloping them with his cherished Gabriela Sabatini autographed tennis racquet.

 

… walloping (carpets) with his cherished Gabriela Sabatini autographed tennis racquet.

Crocs

In an effort to make the former Pope as comfortable as possible, Vatican officials have installed slides from second and third floor windows to allow Benedict fast access to St. Peter’s Square and beyond so he can pick up Francis’ newspapers that he used to get himself.The former Pontiff will continue to wear white, but rumors about him swapping his red Pradas for a similar coloured pair of Crocs  have yet to be confirmed.

Given that both men are kindhearted souls, I have no doubt they’ll iron out any differences that may arise.

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Humor, Pope

Papal Coach Sought

A week ago today, Good Friday, I brought to your attention a memo allegedly by a group of Catholic Cardinals, not to be confused with National League Cardinals, regarding their displeasure with newly elected Pope Francis and posing the possibility of a Papal recall. The memo was leaked (okay … I wrote it) even though the former Pope’s butler had no hand in it. Today I present another document that, um, fell into my hands and indicates the recalcitrant Cardinals have been forced to pursue a different tack.

Fellow Concerned Cardinals,

Having undertaken an exhaustive search through the Vatican’s library I am sorry to inform you that no possibility of a recall of Pope Francis exists. Plain and simple, we are stuck with him. Plain and simple are apt words as he insists on being a simple, humble servant to his flock and turning his back on the trappings of the Papacy. It has come to my attention that in his homeland they have a nickname for those named Francis and so he is known as Pope Paco which only calls to my mind after shave (although a delightfully light, fruity scent from Paco Robanne, but I digress). What next, Pope-Soap-On-a-Rope?

Rest assured fellow Cards I have another suggestion that may solve our problems and bring Francis back on track; put him back in the box, both figuratively and metaphorically, as he has taken to leaving the Popemobile and walking through the crowds in St. Peter’s Square to be with his people. I have come up with the following:

PapalCoach2

I’m told that if we post this to something called Monster.com we should have no trouble finding a suitable candidate to rein in Francis before his humility, caring and love of his people completely ruin the Papacy. Now if any of you have the faintest idea what monster.com is I will be pleased to nail this notice to its post.

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Canada, History, Humor, Pope

Papal recall rumor on Good Friday

Even with the former butler no longer in position at the Vatican, the following memo was leaked. Apparently it is from one of the Cardinals and reveals his disappointment with Pope Francis.

I think it fair to say that our election of the Argentinian Cardinal isn’t working out exactly as we had hoped. In just the few weeks since the conclave concluded, our freshly minted pontiff has stood all things Vatican on ear. I’ve been doing some research and have found that several countries and states, including Canada, home of our own Cardinal Ouellet, have procedures in place to enact a recall of an elected official if things don’t pan out as hoped. Before getting into the minutia of the process, let me highlight some of the problems.

Since being elected, Francis has eschewed virtually all trappings of the Papacy including:

  1. A total refusal to move into the papal apartment in favor of staying in a flea-bag bed-sit. At first we thought this a blessing as we could rent out the Papal apartment. Then we realized the only people who could afford such luxury in the heart of Rome would be the kind of folks (criminals, celebrities) we wouldn’t really want around the Vatican.
  2. Instead of the Popemobile he has requested an open back vehicle, okay, let’s call it what it is, a pick-up truck. Aside from the security risk of having the Pope exposed to potential danger, I am concerned he’ll use the very back of the truck as a portable altar to bring the mass to the people, calling it a Tailgate Service.
  3. Yesterday he rode in a Volkswagen instead of the Papal limousine. Cardinal Ratzinger drove from Berlin to the prior conclave in the VW. When he was elected Pope, Ratzinger had no more need of the VW so it stayed in the Vatican’s underground parking lot until Francis eyed it last week. (What he was doing down there I shudder to think.
  4. He took a pass on the gold Fisherman’s ring and asked to have a gold plated ring instead. We drew the line at having it made at Walmart.
  5. Yesterday at the Maundy Thursday washing of the feet ceremony, he didn’t wash the feet of those <a href=”http://www.hypersmash.com”>HyperSmash</a>selected few who had been so looking forward to the honor (and, let’s be honest, paid a few Euros for it). No, he washed the feet of young convicts, some of whom were, dare I say it, women.  He even washed the feet of Muslims. What next, golf with the Rabbi?
  6. He’s pointed out that as a person of age, he is entitled to a reduced fare Rome transit pass.

I think you see where this is going. We’ve elected a humble, kind, spiritual man who wants to serve his people. What went wrong?

Okay … maybe I touched it up a bit! Have a Good Friday

 

 

 

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History, Humor, News, Pope

Papal Conclave: older Cardinals’ weak bladders require installation of portable Vati-Cans

Happy Papal Conclave Eve; that day before the process of electing the next pope begins when seminarians and altar servers all over the world put their cassocks over the end of their beds hoping to find the pockets filled with Papal Candy in the morning. Okay … that’s not true, cassocks don’t have pockets. Papal Conclave Eve isn’t an actual holiday, nor a Holy Day, but if I were a greeting card company I’d give some serious thought to the idea

The Papal Conclave starts tomorrow and ends when a new pope has been elected. The word comes from the Latin cum clave meaning “with a key”. In 1274 Pope Gregory X decreed that after a three-year session to elect a pope all future elections would involve the electors being locked in a room until they agreed on a pope.

Clearly this is an idea that Barack Obama should bear in mind when trying to get a bipartisan agreement in congress: never mind “Fiscal Cliffs” and “sequestration”, lock Congress in with NO MEDIA access and they’ll come up with a solution quick as bunnies.

Given the advanced age of many of the Cardinals and subsequent weakened bladders portable toilets known as Vati-Cans have been installed in the Sistine Chapel. Okay … that’s not true either

In our age of instant communication via Twitter and Facebook and other social media the possibility of an information leak is greater than ever. Not surprisingly there is a total ban on Blackberry devices, iPhones , iPads and the like in the Conclave. What is surprising is that the Sistine Chapel, where all the action takes place, has been equipped with radio jamming gear. Is it to foil attempted electronic eavesdropping from outside, or do they just not trust the Cardinals? They entrust these men with replacing the pope, yet they fear one of them may sneak in a Smart Phone!

Don’t forget, many roofing companies will be offering Conclave Specials on chimneys for the duration!

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Humor, Pope

Popemobile readied for Benedict’s successor

The Conclave has yet to begin, two cardinals are still on their way to Rome, but preparations for the next Pope, the fisher of men, are well underway.  Pope Benedict XVI, now Pope Emeritus, turned in his Fisherman’s ring and vacated the Vatican days ago. But it appears he left a reminder: his “gone fishin'” stick man decal from the Popemobile has yet to be removed.

 

Popemobile

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Humor, Pope

Papal Conclave to begin March 15th; will Irish Cardinals miss St. Patrick’s Day?

It seems the Vatican is considering the possibility of starting the process of electing a new pope on March 15th, All Caesarian references aside, would the Ides of March be an appropriate time to start the process? Seems ominous to me.

Of more importance perhaps is the fact that St. Patrick’s Day is on March 17th. Therefore any lobbying of the Irish Cardinals should begin now as you know they will want to be out in time for the parade.

Nothing like throwing a bit of a curve at an institution that relies on centuries of tradition. This will force the Church to think outside the mitre box and come up with something to deal with an uncommon situation.

20130216-121846.jpg

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Canada, Montreal

Happy Mardi Gras. Will the next pope be Canadian?

I recall in the lead up to the 1976 Olympic Summer games in Montreal, as is often the case with large-scale events, rumors of huge cost overruns (mind you, later to be confirmed) were rampant. When that was the topic of discussion they were referred to as “Montreal’s'” Olympics. “Montreal’s games won’t be ready on time”; “Montreal’s games won’t sell out”, and so on.

Then when the games opened on time and the opening ceremonies were broadcast round the world and the games went on to be a great success they all of a sudden became “Canada’s” games.  Years later when details of the overruns and corruption became known, the games were Quebec’s or Montreal’s once again.

People still come up to him and remember how well the Montreal games were staged and, in the end, how exciting they were, he added.

“They were pretty magic. All Olympics are magic but we had Comaneci with her first ’10’ and we had the Spinks brothers and we had Sugar Ray Leonard,”.

– Dick Pound, former International Olympic Committee vice-president

Experts: Top 5 picks for the next pope USA Today

In a similar vein, when he was just a Cardinal, Marc Ouellet was referred to as Quebec Cardinal Marc Ouellet. But now that he is the current leader in the eyes of Papal bookies to be the next Pope, he’s become Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet. No doubt if something hideous emerges from his past, or ultimately another Cardinal is elected Pope, I suspect he’ll once again be Quebec Cardinal Marc Ouellet.

Happy Mardi Gras; enjoy your pancakes.

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