Why I Should Be Canada’s Next Governor General


The Canadian Governor General (GG), Julie Payette, has resigned amid a scandal that revolves around what has been called a toxic work environment. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist – and Ms Payette is, in fact, an actual rocket scientist and former astronaut – to realize that the position of GG is perhaps the most plum of all jobs.

According to the Government of Canada’s website:
The Governor General has important parliamentary responsibilities: Summoning, proroguing and dissolving Parliament. Setting out the government’s program by reading the Speech from the Throne. Giving Royal Assent, which makes acts of Parliament into law.

But the best part is that he or she doesn’t even have to write the speech. The ruling party, who will oversee things, prepares that for the GG. All they have to do is show up and read the speech.

This means the GG as the Queen’s representative in Canada, reads a Throne Speech at the opening of sessions of Parliament. Once a year or so the appointed GG sits before all the elected members and tells them what to do. But the best part is that he or she doesn’t even have to write the speech. The ruling party, who will oversee things, prepares that for the GG. All they have to do is show up and read the speech.

The GG also gives Royal Assent that – presto – makes an act of Parliament a real law. The skill required to carry out this noble undertaking is one rubber stamp.

When a GG is replaced, they continue to receive that as a pension, and also have a few years worth of $100,000 expense account. Did I mention this is a plum position?

Many Canadians have said this position is no longer required. Not that they are against pomp and circumstance, but the GG comes at a price. An annual salary estimated to be $150,000 plus staff and housing. When a GG is replaced, they continue to receive that as a pension, and also have a few years worth of $100,000 expense account. Did I mention this is a plum position?

So you can understand why I am interested in being Canada’s next Governor General.

I find myself in a bit of a fix: at 61 years of age I am four years from pension, yet few employers will consider someone of my age. In essence, I could use the cash.

To guarantee I won’t try to gum up the process, I promise to not even read the acts. Thump, thump, thump, and it’s off to the courts.

Over the years many people have asked me if I work in radio because of my voice. I can read a speech as well as the next person. Particularly one I didn’t have to write. Bring on the Teleprompters and let’s get at it.

I used to be a Commissioner for Oaths, this necessitated my developing a sure hand with a rubber stamp. Push those passed acts of parliament along and I’ll have them signed and sealed in no time. To guarantee I won’t try to gum up the process, I promise to not even read the acts. Thump, thump, thump, and it’s off to the courts.

The Government website goes on to list some other, less formal, duties of the GG: Promoting a sense of identity, recognizing the achievements of outstanding Canadians, receiving foreign dignitaries, travelling overseas as the representative of Canada, hosting and taking part in official events.

A quick scan of those obligations gives you an idea of the real role of the GG – namely, party host. I’ve been at more parties than I can count. I’m certain I can handle a few drunk dignitaries, shake hands with people who have achieved greatness, and cut ribbons at new shopping malls. And I’m a big fan of parades.

I’m certain I can handle a few drunk dignitaries, shake hands with people who have achieved greatness, and cut ribbons at new shopping malls

Frankly, I think the GG job was designed with me in mind. A bit of officialdom over which I daren’t tread, and lots of glad-handing. All this and, to make it even more up my alley, they throw in a big house and several staff. A car and driver as well.

Prime Minister Trudeau, please feel free to contact me through this blog to arrange a time to discuss the opportunity. As you can see above, I have even accelerated the process by altering the official GG photo to include myself.

Published by DCMontreal

DCMontreal - Deegan Charles Stubbs - is a Montreal writer born and raised who likes to establish balance and juxtapositions; a bit of this and a bit of that, a dash of Yin and a soupçon of Yang, some Peaks and an occasional Frean and maybe a bit of a sting in the tail! Please follow DCMontreal on Twitter and on Facebook, and add him on Google+

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