COVID-19: Interview With Virus God


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Here we are. Day 752 of COVID-19 self-isolation, or at least it feels that way. I dare say nerves are starting to fray. When the pandemic was first declared, it was easy for governments to act. The keyword was: close.

The virus was running rampant and so we were all instructed to stay home. “Stay Home, Stay Safe” was the phrase trumpeted on social media and all other sorts of media. By staying inside, the virus could not spread. To a great extent, we followed that request and the virus … well, it continued to spread.

… currently, we do not have a weapon against the coronavirus. We can only hope to stem its proliferation …

Of course, not everyone can stay home; essential services must be maintained. From medical professionals to refuse collectors, there are just some things that have to be done. And those who undertake these essential tasks had to put their kids somewhere while they did it, so essential daycares were set-up to handle the off-spring of these front-line workers.

We were all told to wait until the curve flattened; until the virus peaked. At which point we would be in control of it. Ha! Somewhere the god of viruses is not just chortling but is enjoying a devious belly-laugh. This god understands that currently, we do not have a weapon against the coronavirus. We can only hope to stem its proliferation by avoiding usual contact with fellow humans.

The virus god gets a kick out of the idea of reopening our communities now that some places have planked the curve

The virus god gets a kick out of the idea of reopening our communities now that some places have planked the curve. How do I know this? Well, I recently had an opportunity to interview the virus god (VG). Yep, just me and the VG, and his numerous handlers and flaks met recently. Of course, when I say met, I mean via Zoom.com. C’mon, I’m not crazy.

DCMontreal: I think the first question as to why you loosed COVID-19 on humankind is why.

VG: You guys think you’re perfect don’t you? The sense I was getting was that you thought you were bigger, better, stronger than nature. If so, let’s see you deal with this!

DCM: Can you please elaborate?

VG: Sure, in fact, one of your kind was on the right path when he, unfortunately, passed away. You see…

DCM: Just a moment, can you tell me who you are talking about, please? A great educator, philosopher, scientist?

VG: Calm down big guy. I’m talking about one of those folks who often see things clearer than most of you mortals. A comedian. The late George Carlin was on to something when he pointed out that the earth is over four billion years old, yet the current inhabitants – you – are so arrogant that they think they can bring it down. From where I sit it’s both embarrassing and funny. Four billion years and it will all come crumbling down because of a few million empty plastic water bottles, some ozone smashing cows, and all those cars. I think not.

DCM: So you unleashed a killer virus to teach us a lesson?

VG: That’s right. I was fed up with you acting too big for your britches. Reel it in Sunshine. The earth was around long before you and will be there long after you’ve gone clogs up. But, if you prefer to think you’re running the show, here’s a little virus for you to come to terms with. Bring you back down to earth, as it were. Good luck.

DCM: Okay, so if I say, on behalf of all mankind, Uncle! Will you give me a hint about what we mere mortals should do?

VG: Most certainly. First, it is too soon to start going back to normal. The virus I rained down on you has an “anti-herd-immunity” aspect. This is not your Grandma’s Chicken Pox. Attempting to just get back to the way things were too soon will be drastic, dire. In fact, things will never be the same as they were, but they may be better.

DCM: Go on, please …

VG: For instance, once I see fit to whistle and call home my virus, I hope you will have learned that it is imperative that the absolute best care is provided for your elderly. It is no coincidence that the majority of innocent victims are seniors. Pick-up your game and take better care of those who made you what you are.

DCM: Fine, good idea. It’s already being talked about.

VG: And, for the love of all deities, don’t elect morons again. Realize just how important it is to have intelligent leaders. Ideally smarter than most of you.

With this, an assistant whispered in his ear, and he rose to excuse himself, explaining it was time for him to watch his favourite TV comedy – Dr. Phil.

Published by DCMontreal

DCMontreal - Deegan Charles Stubbs - is a Montreal writer born and raised who likes to establish balance and juxtapositions; a bit of this and a bit of that, a dash of Yin and a soupçon of Yang, some Peaks and an occasional Frean and maybe a bit of a sting in the tail! Please follow DCMontreal on Twitter and on Facebook, and add him on Google+

3 thoughts on “COVID-19: Interview With Virus God

  1. I believe there must be a “VG,” something or someone who has determined to enforce population control, but why?
    Speaking of enjoying this world more without so many people to share it with, have you ever flown low over the nation of India? India has one third the land size of the US, yet has three times as many people. But flying over India you can see so much vacant land, you would be amazed to see it all. We won’t even talk about all the vacant land in Canada and the US.
    Something interesting in the news from India this week is that they are offering free land to any pharma company willing to come “home.”

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