According to CNN, a New Hampshire man was recently attacked and chased by a groundhog. The angry critter kept the man holed-up in his house.
Throughout the ordeal the irate rodent shouted at the man then hurled his rotund body at the glass sliding door, bellowing. “C’mon out ya bastard and tell the people how far off spring is”. “Let’s hold you up like a half-asleep moron for all the world to see.” “Don’t be afraid of your shadow ya chicken-shit.”
The animal was finally taken into custody, shouting “I could have been the next Punxsutawney Phil” – clearly a frustrated beast, lamenting a failed media career . Known to police, Marmota Monax has a long rap-sheet, many aliases including woodchuck, whistle-pig, and land-beaver, and a history public nuisance.
As Monax was taken away in paw-cuffs he was heard to shout “Get me Geragos and Joey Jackson” evidently a request to be represented by noted defense attorneys and CNN commentators Mark Geragos and Joey Jackson.